Defense: "successful." Collaboration: not so much.

I did not enjoy the defense of my dissertation, and I have been trying to understand why, since pain is usually instructive.

The critical feedback was certainly accurate. The work that I did to "listen" to Latinas' calls for liberation and write this information up in one chapter did not adequately shape subsequent chapters. I did not return explicitly enough in later chapters to the method pieces I wrote up in the introduction. Overall, there are not adequate connections among the chapters, and there is apparently some doubt whether what I wrote can be characterized as theology, or as a theology. And, in general, the dissertation is just not focused and "done" enough.

All points well taken. Here's what hurt, though: hearing this at the defense, rather than a month ago, when I would have had time to do more with the criticisms.

I sort of knew these things already, but it's hard to edit your own work, and critical feedback from others helps to puncture the armor one's own writing has against one's own editing. But, yeah. I sort of knew these things already. And I really don't want to be whining.

So, what's the pain really about?

One, as a person trying to live into and work from an anti-racist identity, getting called on one's inadequate use of the work of scholars and activists of color is painful. It's like being held accountable, which is a necessary part of white anti-racism, but in this case without the agreements in place that help accountability be productive. However, I have found that thinking of the criticisms in this regard does give me a structure for making the pain productive, and therefore more meaningful.

Second, receiving these criticisms at the time of defense (rather than sooner) was painful because I had to try to defend my work against the criticisms, which is the last thing you do when you have been held accountable. When someone -- especially a person of color -- holds you accountable for a racist action or speech act, the first thing you do is shut up and listen. Later you might approach the person in a spirit of trying to learn from what happened, after you have done the work of your own thinking, and perhaps processing with fellow white anti-racists. But in the context of the defense, I felt I had to push back, because no one in the room shared the analysis or the process I am working with, and so my simple acceptance would have just made me look like an academic wienie who was not participating in the process adequately. This is the way institutional racism works, by the way. The institutions we work in are not structured to enable us to behave in anti-racist ways. And so, we don't.

Third, not hearing these criticisms sooner meant that I could not work with them sooner, to produce a dissertation more in keeping with all of our expectations. Granted, it is "my" dissertation to write, "my" project to complete, but those of you who have been with this blog from the beginning have known that I have struggled with the false individuality of the academic process from the get-go. This dissertation arose from communal experiences, and I wanted it to have a communal development process. This desire was thwarted repeatedly, and thwarted definitively at the end by the lack of feedback in a timeframe when I could use it most effectively.

So. Now what. (Another little list ensues ....)

One, I have to accept the fact that I did not establish an effective working relationship with my external reader, Dr. Ada Maria Isasi-Diaz. I continue to hold her and her work in the highest regard, and I can only hope that some later work I do more clearly evidences the extent to which I have tried to listen to her and learn from her.

Two, I can and will take the criticisms from the defense into the process of writing a book that uses my dissertation research.

Three, if I ever become part of an academic institution, I can and will work to produce true collaboration in the education process. The notion of a "defense" is -- in my opinion -- a ludicrous way to end one's academic training. Each scholar's work is just the diamond bit drill in the hands of a person supported by a team and multiple learning communities as the search for knowledge proceeds into the mountain of experience. It doesn't prove anything that is not already known. The cumulative and conclusive event should feel collaborative and celebratory, if everyone has done their work. And if that's not how it feels, then perhaps none of us have done our work.

* * *

This is the last entry in this blog. I have enjoyed the blogging experience, and will likely begin another blog -- perhaps more general in focus -- on another blogging platform. I have not learned to use Blogger adequately, and have been frustrated by it on more than one occasion.

So, if you want to know when and where I blog next, drop me a line at tammerie@gmail.com or find me on Facebook.

I wish you strength for the struggle.

Tammerie